random file (part two)

8:30 pm

I am largely alone,

Without God I am largely alone in the universe

I cannot be reached by computer or phone

11pm

Traveling on icy roads, obscure roads

It is getting late in the day

We find an inn but there is no food

Then we stumble on an apt. well appointed, no one home

Then four young black women arrive

L. is traveling with someone different now

I am almost statisfied

Eating my 4 o clock dinner 

Very satisfying

Back to sleep

01/10/17  12:30 am

Three good dreams

A young woman here at the home got so drunk and disorderly at a house party that she almost was not awarded the fellowship she had been entitled to, but in the end she was.  There was disagreement among the judges.  Her partner, with whom she was dancing, was so outraged by the situation she started to take her shoes and leave.

2/22/27 3:46am I am involved with a group of criminals.  We gather at an apartment we intend to burglarize. It is decorated for Christmas.  Some of our gang are already there.  I am involved with a young woman whose parents are of another releigion.  It is all very confusing.  A note from someone. He has to be on the road in the morning.  Only time for a quick meal/  italy pizza takes too long.

Dreaming. 

“we’re better off than we were nine years ago”

I am hanging out in the apartment where I should not be.  The wife of my accomplice shows up with her kids.  I try to duck out.  I hear a man say the above:

01/12/17 5am  the odd thing was, I found an extra hundred dollars in my accounting the day before.  a friend has been here to visit.  We had a good one.   It seemed like no major temptation.  we had not met for fifty years.  Came home, ate some more and went to sleep.  Then I had the dream, just now.   I was in an apartment, my apartment, near bluebonnet circle.  J. was there, with c.  He wanted c. to spend some time with me..  I was to loan c. a hundred dollars.  Then c. decided he wanted to leave.  Then the police inspector came and questioned me.  There was blood on the floor in front of the toilet.  I realized that I had fallen.  To marry is my ultimate wish.  And I believe marriage to be for life between a man and a woman.  It was a terrible dream.   There was a young woman with c..  I went outside.  I waited for a bus.  It was hilly and cold.  It was the wrong bus.  I had trouble finding my bus pass.  Seeing j. was nice.  He could have been the devil, but he wasn’t.  I think I will be ok now.  I yielded a littlein the dream.  I will not in life itself….. 

And then suddenly it was haircut time

I’m going to take someone to church.   sometime

9pm

I take a drink from a placid lake

That comes from my refrigerator

In a glass container, pure white glass,

And I know that I will drink more later.

I am consumed with a parching thirst.

I just ate a chicken salad

It is bedtime and i have not

Prayed at all.  God  speaks to me and

I am silent

I have lost some weight in the last few days

I’m not exactly sure just how

But it serves its purpose to save my health

When the slab I crave is of marbled marble

Andrew marble

My Lord is so fine

I praise Him all the time

01/15/17 1:30 am

Dreamed we were required to notify management whether or not we attended breakfast.  I constructed a rather elaborate note for that purpose.

Time to start getting ready for church.  I have to take the bus this morning.

Drinking cold coffee from the blue willow cup and saucer steve gave me yesterday for a late Christmas

thinking aBOUT Donald trump,  thanking God. Feeling grateful.

need to scan my computer.  Will do now.

4am  the Jamnia Rescension – strictly hypothetical

I leave for church in about two hours

3:30 in the afternoon.  Waking up as if drugged. A man looked at me with obvious hatred today at the bus terminal.  Probably because I am white.  At a large airport terminal.  Flight crew (many of them) are lined up to welcome aboard.  I am accosted by security.  Manhandled.  Photographed from every angle. 

People were strange when I got home.  Almost no one spoke to me.

I feel terrible.                                                                                                                                  

1/16/17 4am

Waiting for dad to come home so we can have dinner.  There is a large sack of chicken. K. has already got hers.  It seems a little light.  There is mine and dad’s.  we pick it up.  We are also picking up or delivering payroll.  I am handling a huge stack of money.  I am also looking at boots and shoes for work.   Am with mr. l.  I already have one new pair.   A new shipment of boots has just arrived.  I buy one.  I have dress shoes too.  There is something in the air...maybe a drone. 

Slept good.  Almost all night.  May not have been up one time.  Ate a whole jar of pbj last night and yesterday.

Confrontation with linda x..  Mia runs out of the upstairs apt. to me on the ground.  More than one grocery store

Mystery?  How about heaven and hell.  John paul got it right…Sartre or the Second

Automatons riding around in driverless cars

All uber alice/a gentile by far

Cross over the bridge”

Cross over the bridge”

Find a friendly way of living

Cross over the bridge

When your new Rochelle can’t bind you then

You uber self will blind you

Lover, come over the bridge

Sunshine on my schoulders makes me happy

Fritz scholders

Sunshine of my back side makes me high

01/19/17 6am

Staying with mother, hanging out at a large Methodist complex, on a cliff near an Episcopal church.  Looking for a bed or a cot.  No luck.  Look for a meal, not much luck either until I get a large metal bowl of lobster, crab and shrimp salad or stew.  Trouble getting a Yule tinsel.  Talk to a crotchety old pastor.   No real communication.  Finally get in my convertible and go home.  Looking for an old car I abandoned, the gold Malibu.  Where is it now, do I have its number?  Stopped in traffic.  Making a left hand turn.  Hilly street. Mountain town.

Go home to mother.  Not much solace there

New blood blister on my toe

Doctor it

Doctorate

Dr. Jackal,  mr. hyde

Keep this around,

Surround o’sound

It’s our world now

The forgotten man

When IGNORence was a way of life

01/23/17 5am  had a beer and a drink in a greybar with tom present.  Earlier was at his room or apt., up a very steep incline.  I get my car started, just barely, and cruise

I have a crystal ink well

Cut from a sphere,

Octagonal sides

I baptize myself in

A sea of ink

I like to get wet

I write for a while

Daddy is there

Coming home to mom

Vanishing into the

Humid night air

Wishing forever had

Come and then gone

A university town

Full of gay clowns

I’d rather not spend

Too much time there

A spot of twilight

Oh crescent moon

Like an orange smile

Cantelope slice

In a pumpkin at halloween

Everything trimmed and nice

1/24/17  6am  looking at giant bluebonnet blossoms (lupines) with richrd t. in forest park, fort worth, dick c. walks by and speaks and goes into a mausoleum like library.  Showing Richard the rice campus I want to take him up into the baker tower where I lived but someone speaks to him perhaps Robert h. Then we meet a young woman in an elevator he knows.  She is working on her first novel.  I tell her about the Emily dickinson competition. 

1/28/17  because of my condition I could no longer travel, not very far, anyway.

Mother is dead.   It came fairly suddenly.  Sudetenland.  I am accepting it

Now I travel mostly in dreams, to Houston and otherwise

I wander in the Montrose district.  I have a little car.

It is the old west.  It is a movie set.  It is an industrial setting.  There are blacks in hiding

02/10/17  6am  even though I give my body to be burned, if I have not love, I am nothing.

Mother’s gone to heaven

Therefore let us smile

She may be there forever

Or only for a while

They say we will come back to earth

When Jesus makes His move

And brings the dead back with him

To justly His Word prove

So let us now rejoice

And praise His holy name

Whether in heaven or on earth

His Presence is the same

Chocolate Pudding

We would make instant pudding at night

When we came home on the motorcycle

After riding across the Bay Bridge in the

Cold, foggy California night.  It was

Her idea.  After she had betrayed me

With my best friend in San Francisco,

I swore I would never eat chocolate pudding

Again.  But of course I did.  Tonight all alone

In the home by myself, I ate a small

Cup of pudding. There are

A number of them in the re-

Frigerator.   It’s all I have an

Appetite for.  There is plenty of

Food.  I am just not hungry.

I drink my tea and write poetry, or

At least what I call poetry.  I hardly

Know what anyone else says.

Smores aborg

but i won't eat jello chocolate
pudding cups now.  not since
bill cosby

cozbi...a character in the old testament

03/03/17

She was out of the question,

Out of the question,

Totally out of the question.

It was a personal quest.

I’d abandoned the rest.

It was a sort of a test.

I won’t do that again.

I have no one to talk to,

No one but you Lord

You are always there,

Thank God, my Lord.

Almost lunch time

Frank o’hara

Lunch poems

Lunch was eggplant a la rudy

Long slices of eggplant in their

Eggplant shape, fried with cheese.

Outstanding.  And two kind of squash.

Should have been $15 a plate

Something to write home about

If I hadn’t already been at home.

Better than chicken and isn’t that what

Eggplant is all about.  If you plant eggs

You won’t get chickens unless you

Get a soil sample first.

Then there was dessert…an apple concoction

With whipped cream.  Made me think of

Plum duff or plum nothing, the name I gave to

Nora’s place in California where there was

Nothing to eat except plums in their season..

At the Present Time

A man I saw on the bus yesterday

Had an open wound on his wrist, all ragged and pink.

He was black and the wound seemed more terrible by contrast.

His hair was matted, almost in locks and

He seemed to be picking at his wound with his teeth.

Perhaps there were stitches there.

He mumbled to himself, barely audible:

“No one ever wants to help me…

If I had a dollar for every time…

That one got to ride for free…”

He asked the woman in front of him

For money and got none.

Eventually he turned to me and asked for a dollar.

I did not have one to spare and

I rarely open my wallet on the bus.

Sometimes I have a dollar with my pass.

“See what I mean,” he went on;

“Someday you will have to stand before the Lord.”

Oh, I know that, Mr. Lazarus.

I send checks to the Gospel Mission which

Operates a medical clinic you just passed by,

I said to myself.  He got off at the Salvation Army and

I was just glad not to have had an incident.

I carry a whistle with my key.

I will put him on my prayer list and

Tuck a dollar in my pass when I can and

Send the Mission another check…real soon.

That’s the best I can do…at the present time.

03/21/17  2pm  have put noontime prayer off for a while while I tended to other projects.  Time to get with it.  It does not take that long.  It has few appointed readings, mostly prayers and psalms.  Will report back if I find anything interesting, not that it is not always interesting, but I mean out of the ordinary.

2:30pm  just ate half of my lunch cheeseburger.  Was good.  There is a possibility that I can get some help here with my diet.  I have been told that I need a high fiber diet, more vegetables, less meat.  Someone else is getting help, so I think that I can too.

My right arm has been hurting for almost two weeks, from the shoulder down to the forearm.  I am somewhat worried.  I do not know what happened.   Perhaps I slept on it too hard, but  I am afraid something may be broken.  I do not go back to primary care until May…unless it gets more serious.

I have Rita to write still.  The package I Had for her was too expensive to mail.  I will construct a lighter package  sometime  today or this evening.

My new essay seems pretty good.  Perhaps I can get it published somewhere.

Think I will finish the cheeseburger now.

A few  minutes later.  Perhaps it’s time for a short nap now.  I think I need some sleep.

03/22/17  12:05 am  awake in the middle of the night

I often feel better in the little hours

Of the morning, after a few hours sleep.

I wake up refreshed and rejuvenated.

It is a good time to be alive.

Earlier I was desperate and alone.

My body continues to break down slowly

My right arms has been hurting for

Almost two weeks.  No idea what that

Could be.  Maybe I just slept on it

Wrong.  Maybe I broke something

In my forearm accidentally.  I won’t

See primary care for another six weeks.

I am ignoring the gastro doctor for

The most part, but I will have my

Scheduled colonoscopy at the end

Of may.  I itch and scratch something

Terrible at times…all over, up and down.

I have not said evening prayer for

Yesterday.  Maybe I can do that now.

12:43 am

Just read evening prayer and compline

Psalm 106 rehearsed many of the marvelous acts

Through which God blessed the people of Israel

As they escaped Egypt into the Wilderness

Exodus 14 recounts the miraculous

Passage through the Red Sea and the

Destruction of Pharoah’s army.

Ephesians 4 encourages us in our walk

With the Lord, calls to mind the Oneness

Of God and the uniformity of the faith.

The various roles we may take in serving

The Lord are mentioned, and our common

Faith is further encouraged.

I recited the Magnificat and the

Nunc Dimitis.   No supplementary

Canticles were used.

Concession to the Weather  3/26/17

It is in the 50’s at 6am.

It won’t get out of the 60’s today.

I was going to wear my new vest sweater,

The one I bought on sale at Dillard’s,

But I have changed my mind and

Will wear my black nylon jacket which

I have had for fourteen years.

I can still wear it because

It is Extra Large, though tight.

I just increased my pledge to

CTK
 .

I am so grateful unto God to

Finally belong again to a church that

Actually preaches the Word of God

With a fair degree of accuracy.

I do not understand a politically

Conservative philosophy that is not

Deeply rooted in the Word of God and

Committed to its practice.

Washing out my underwear in the

Lavatory which I have to do every

Few days, (not quite so much these

Last few days.  I feel really blessed)

And my long support stockings which

Do not machine wash very well.  It is

The middle of the night, early morning.

Took care of my teeth.

Take care of my eyes.

Adding Mother into the mix

mother and mahler

Traffic Jam in the Nursing Home

Mother wheels into close quarters.

A white haired man has trouble getting by.

They jostle for the prerogative…

(prayer rogative…a prayer of request…a play on words).

I am here for her care meeting

She eats her chocolates gingerly and

Wipes her fingers like Chaucer’s

Prioresse in The Canterbury Tales.

Mother has gained several pounds.

She eats all of her meals.

I am forced to cool my heels

For ten minutes in an outer lobby.

There is a man looks like my brother…

Same face, balding head, bushy beard.

Time passes slowly in the nursing home.

Mother’s meeting lasts five minutes.

Won’t be long; I’ll be here too.

I Am Thinking of Hocking the Car

Mother had a little money

Left to her by her Mother,

The proceeds from her mother’s house…

$50,000.

Dad somehow used it as leverage

In his business dealings and

It was lost in bankruptcy.

She took it all the way to

The Texas State Supreme Court

But she lost..

Today she is almost penniless

In a nearby nursing home.

I have just enough to live on

As long as I can

Take care of myself

My brother is not able to help

I have nowhere else to turn.

It’s sort of like Granddaddy said

To Grandmother before he died…

Keep a roof over your head, Virginia.

Keep a roof over your head.

Mother and Dad married on September 11, 1941

In Dallas, Texas, at Highland Park Methodist Church

In the chapel a few months before Pearl Harbor Day.

When I asked her about it’s being on September 11

(The World Trade Center disaster day), she replied

That was just one more catastrophe that happened to have

Occurred on that particular day of the month.

But it really wasn’t always that bad.

They had a lot of good times, too.

I just had an inquiry about that date

From a paternal cousin.  She was working

On our family genealogy.  I am glad

To have had the family I have had

Even if I am largely alone

At the present time.

I feel like I’m headed for the guillotine

I have five dental appointments in the next four months

I have an ingroan toenail that has to be yanked

My socks have grown sheer and stained with blood

And my computer does not work worth a damn.

I am severely depressed.

My duties here in the home weigh on me.

The whole country has gone mad

I no longer have a church family.

I feel as if I have been had.

My friends, the few, are little comfort to me

My writing career is in a shambles

I really feel like giving up but

Somehow or another I still have to amble

Down this road a little longer.

Mother needs me.  I must stay strong.

For a number of years

Mother, Dad and I

Put in a garden on

A rather large plot

At the Aledo ranch of

Their friends, the Maddoxes.

It was west of Fort Worth.

When we turned off the highway

Onto the Aledo road, Ginger,

Our Brittany Spaniel, began

To get excited.  She had been

Born there.  Dad would

Plow up the earth with

His tiller and lay out the rows

With string.  We planted

Onions, tomatoes, beans,

Squash, okra, and one year

Had a good crop of young lettuce.

The produce was considerable.

We went there almost every

Weekend.  There was an old

Largely empty, farmhouse where

We could rest and have lunch.

We shared the produce with the

Maddoxes whose fruit trees

Punctuated the plot in late

Summer.  We would eat fresh

Homemade peach ice cream.

It was an idyllic time

The Maddoxes are gone now

And Dad and Ginger.  Only

Mother and I remain behind

And of course the Maddox

Children.  I remember a

Foal of young colts one year

So alive and playful we

Captured them in photographs.

I’m like Daddy when I run out of money

I will find it somewhere if I possibly can

When I was little

Mother often read to us

At night.  She read

“Tom Sawyer”and

“Toby Tyler”.   I re-

member those two.

Now I can’t even

Tell her thank you.

She is so blank

And distant now

She still knows me.

I still feel her love

But we no longer

Share our memories.

We have grown

Far apart.

Mother Waves Goodbye

She is almost 96 years old.

She is in Memory Care in a nursing home.

She knows almost nothing, hears almost nothing and rarely speaks.

Her hand comes out from under the covers to take a piece of diabetic candy.

That’s about the end of it.

When I leave she waves goodbye

In response to my feeble wave.

It is almost more than I can bear,

I never loved woman more

Nor ever can

Mother in Paradise

She laughs and runs and trains her dogs

Her parents are there also

And her whole family…numerous

Dad and his are there as well

It is a place where we will go

When we pass on; eternity

Is not a dream, it’s real, it’s alive

Mother passed away

It came at last, it

Came to pass.

Once she lost the will to live she

Lost the ability to live.

I felt the spirit of my younger brother come close indeed

It was John Glenn George, deceased, so close

I could feel him here with me

Loving and encouraging

Ink hemoraging all over the page

She is in heaven now

Mother at 95

She can no longer have a hearing aid

They are too expensive and she either loses them or

They simply disappear like

Anything of value in that lonely nursing home.

I take her what clothes I can and

Chocolate diabetic candy one piece

At a time with a store in her drawer

She rarely speaks but she still

Enjoys her meals and has gained weight

She is not uncomfortable at this time

Sweet Hour of Prayer

It was Memorial Day, 2014

I was watching, almost by coincidence,

A Japanese movie, “The Burmese Harp:,

About a Japanese soldier who poses as a monk

And buries the war dead he finds in Burma

After the war.  Suddenly I realized that it was

Memorial Day, and I thought of my own dear

Long sick Mother, nearby in a local nursing home

At age 93, and what if I had been lost in a war

And never saw my home again.  I carry photos

Of her in my wallet. Perhaps that would have been

All I could have had of home

If I had died in a foreign land.

The soldiers sing, and the monk plays the harp

There’s no place like home.  I started to cry

Mother at 95

She does not resist the showers now

At times I almost think she knows me

She was beautiful, strong and vibrant once

Before the disease took over her

She may live to be 100 yet

She is just that strong and there is still some love

That she can give and still some love that she can get

Mother and Patti the welsh corgi

Sitting on their swing on the

Back porch of her apartment on

Hulen Street at Harley…just wish I could

Reproduce the photo

She was not the oldest living of her family.

Her grandmother reached at least 97.

Virginia Ann Latier (Jinky) Geeorge passed away today,

January 27, 2017.  she was 95 years old

Mother died

She’s in heaven now

I met two people in church today

They both had known Mother

Mother’s Binoculars

They were sort of like opera glasses

But much more spectacular, though small

And in a leather case…adjustable

She might have had them for sporting events

She loved baseball and tcu football, for

Decades she and Dad sat on the 50 yard line

I took them with me to California

And left them behind  in Oregon

She had wanted them back,

But they were lost.

Was not a nightmare, just an adventure.

Am writing a book “how to bury your mother

For less thaan $2000.”  And your younger brother

For the same amount.  I was lucky to have it.

I had sold the car and mother had some left over.

There were donations, some substantial.

I have a photo of the gravestone with

Hers and Dad’s and Glenn’s names

And dates.  It is transmittable.

Losing mother

Losing mother was in a very real sense, the psychological and spiritual sense, one of the hardest experiences I have ever had to undergo.  After Dad died, 25 years ago, Mother and I more or less became totally dependent on each other.  Oh, she almost always had a dog, but I shared in the dog as well and that was a part of our bond together.  The grandchildren disappeared, my older brother was largely absent, and my younger brother eventually faded from view as well.  We only had each other.  It was not so intense at first, in fact it was downright unpleasant at times, but about ten years ago she began to develop dementia and became increasingly incompetent.  Finally I took the reins and we moved into an apartment together that lasted three years..  we had one final dog.  Then she went in a nursisng home and that lasted another four years.  Finally she died.  She hardly know me or anyone or anything.  It was tragic.

Mother’s Ashes

I pack my mother on my back

As once she packed me inside of her

I carried them all the way from the church

To the bus line, maybe half a mile

I brought them home and set the box

On a dais for the night

It all seems a little strange

They will be buried in a few days.

That last smile

When for just a moment

Mother’s sun broke out of the clouds

That surrounded her

The fear, the anxiety, the pain, the anger

And for just a moment I think she knew me

And a great smile spread across her face

After that all was darkness and

I knew she would not live much longer

She rarely regained consciousness

But I had that smile and I knew her face

And now she’s gone

Her ashes are

Sitting in my vcr

Dvd combination

Her portrait is on the stereo

I will never forget her

Waving good bye as I

Drove away, standing behind

The security door

It’s ash wednesday march 1, 2017

I went by the cemetery to see the

Engraving on the urn burial marker

They’re all together now

Mother, dad and glenn

I will go back later and  take

My little whisk broom

To dust the stone

Whatever happened to jinky george

Is it possible that such a strong

Vibrant woman could be reduced to a

Shadow of her former self.  She retreated

Deep inside and became a practicing stoic

Storing up for the long haul

Relaxing in her middle son’s care,

She hardly ever speaks or hears

She smiles sometimes, there are no tears

But the love between them it is still there

They carry on as though there were

No tomorrow other than their

Little life in a lonely land

There is still a light in her eyes

When she sees me, even if

It is just once a week.  When I come down

The hall and she is sitting in the

Dining room, finishing a meal, she

Lights up when she sees me although

She no longer has any glasses

And I light up inside as well

Although I know she hardly hears me.

There is so much wrong with me now,

My foot, my eyes my teeth, my mind

I may join her soon and we may

Be together again for a little while

And that’s enough to make me smile

Through the tears.  Heaven is

Where she is.  That’s where heaven

Is for me.  I still believe.

I have been to see mother

She was pretty much ok

Gave me a big smile

Liked my shirt

Looked good herself in

Her purple cotton pansy blouse

I try to keep her dressed nice

I am more or less ok

Jinky became a hero again, not so much a heroine, like hero in “hero and leander”.  She was stripped of almost everything – her possessions, her dog, her very mind, but somehow she persisted..  she  survived.  Over the first year of her confinement she went  from being incognizant, infantile, infirm to be resolute, determined and cheerful.  She began to take an interest in her surroundings.  She no longer sought so much to escape as to be helpful, compassionate, enlightening.  She could hardly hear, her speech was marginal, but her smile was infectious.  She enjoyed her meals.  She survived.

Mother could have been on “falconcrest”

My mother would have been  a falconress

poem By Robert duncan

Right after “dallas” on friday night tv

On hillcrest, ironing laundry

When I came home, late from the bars,

High on smoke, we would have a

Cup of tea from the old white ironstone

And sit together until bedtime

Those were very special times

I hold them precious in my mind

Tired and lonely, eat-

Ting dry ramen noodles

For a snack,

I am reminded of mother and me

Just barely holding things together

I was abused and alone

Except for her

I would buy a five pack of ramen

For a dollar and go

And stay with her for a day or two

That was it

That and instant coffee

That was about the best that

I could do

She holds her own, struggling in rough waters

She is ninety-four in a nursing home

Her son comes to see her every other day

There is so much f or which he can never atone

Their love is the stuff of cinema and novels

And yet she can hardly hear or speak at all,

Once after he helped her brush her teeth, one day,

She laughed, and her little barque jumped and yawled

Their beauty garners the attention of nurses

And attendants, helpless to assist

Each shares this moment in eternity

As they ride the waves they cannot resist

Is there a God? I tend to think there is,

But how would we have known him if it were not

For His great passion, reflected in such as this,

Perfecting faith that comforts us in love

My mother had more or less ten

Aunts and uncles on each side.

I pretty much knew them all.

She marched us out to visit them

In dress shirts and little ties

My two brothers and myself

They are all long gone now

But mother is still alive, me too

I have no children and almost

No nieces or nephews now

I am largely all alone

I wish my brother lived nearby.

When mother passes

when she goes on to

The other side

It will be a great sea change

I will be alone at last

How just how long I

Do not know

But I will follow

Fairly soon, I feel

Fairly sure

She and daddy will

Wait on me,

And grandmother,

I am sure

Testing, testing  03/22/17  2am

A few other things about Mother

One  time I came into the dining room at the nursing home.  She was sitting close tone of her friends.  She spoke up and said, “This is my son”.  I can hardly tell you how good that made me feel.

Another time she was folding up the bibs in the dining room, very carefully, like she was doing altar work at church.

One time when she was sitting with her friend (she had one in particular), she would not take a diabetic chocolate until I offered one to her friend.

When Father Darryl brought her communion, she folded up my handkerchief very carefully and handed it back to me.  Father Darryl said, “See, that is virtue in action.  It is still active”.

There are two pieces in my collection “A Life In Verse” that belong in here: “Mother’s Red Shoes” and “The $500 Couch”.

one time i found her in her room,kneeling in prayer, beside her bed.  it was in early morning.

Back to my journal.  I am entering saved poems from a recent mss.

Watching Daddy Die

Watching Daddy die was difficult;

It took place over several months.

I had been in New Mexico,

Living with Mary Connell,

Speaker Jim Wirght’s poet sister.

When I came home, Daddy was

Diagnosed with terminal lung cancer.

He had smoked two or three packs a day

Most of his adult life.

He died in a matter of months.

He underwent chemo and had a good

Attitude; but he had serious questions.

I was not much help at the time.

I was still a practicing Buddhist.

We had disagreements about his driving.

He would drive himself to and from chemo.

I lost my temper some of the time, but

Just before he died, we talked, and I

Was able to tell him how grateful I was

For all the times he had rescued me.

He literally had saved my life.  He

Told me he was glad I told him that.

He was thinking that he was a failure.

Mother did her duty by him, but

Somewhat coldly..  I asked him if he

Wanted to know what would happen

Afterwards…in this life, I meant.

He said he guessed he would get whatever

Mother gave him.  It was a grand affair.

I did not take communion at the Episcopal funeral.

He had been pretty much ok until right at the end.

Several clergy came to visit.

Then at the last he just curled up and died.

Mother gave him a puff of smoke and I had turned on

Some classical music.  I was not there

When he actually died.  I was on a bus

Coming crosstown.  The funeral car was

Already there when I arrived..

I was only vaguely aware of him

In the other room.  I looked away

When they took him out.

Mother was a little emotional.

That was about all there was to it.

People came back to the house after

The funeral, family and friends; and then

Mother and I picked up our lives and went on. 

I Just wish I could have talked to him

After I had my conversion.  I would have had

More hope  to give, but I do have it now. 

I have the hope of the resurrection,

And I still hope to see him some day.

03/24/17  12:24am  I was feeling no love for myself or for anything else.  I woke up from a different dream.  About the grateful dead, and Berkeley and nora and alice breslow and Thomas Parkinson.  I went to the dining room and got a cup of tea and some cold French toast.    I sat in the little sitting area upstairs and thought a moment.  Connie #2 has  given me her email and phone,

I accidentally flipped my scales over onto their back last night.

Threw out the trash

Feeling good once again.  No more grieving…I hope

03/30/17  here am I Lord, it is I Lord, I am one who is calling in the night

Here I am a Soul on Fire  Third Day on YouTube

Noon

w/o/ a prayer, you are a prey to Satan

w/o a prayer, w/o a doubt

if God exists, is God good?  Is He good by definition, or is He good by demonstration

what does it mean, “to be good”?

to be loving, is that good?

What does it mean, “to love”?  could it be called, ultimate concern?  Concern for the ends of things, for what becomes of them, for their ultimate purpose…the purple papoose, porpoise skins, split plum

Ripeness is all, let fruit from the tree free fall.

04/01/17

Sometimes people really amaze me

Poets especially

They can be so absolutely certain

That they know better than anyone else…

About death, for instance.

They know for a fact that they will never see

Their loved ones again.  O wonderful certainty!

How courageous they are to accept this

Final verdict, this final doom.

Richard Howard for instance

In a recent poem named many poets who

Now are dead. He had no hope beyond this life.

It goes against all established witness  or

Almost all.  Who informed him of that!

I expect to live forever in the company of heaven.

I don’t know about the rest of you.