from notes

radio shack
radio shanty (shantih)
hindu for peace

pat and jerry
patanjali
author of the
yoga sutras

un bel di
one fine day
one fine dog

peri bathus
perry bathhouse

round trip to maine
$240

first month at the y
$200

need a grant
$500

i need a grant
i need a pill

$10 a day to eat on
total $750

a month in maine

no, that is only
a week's rent
i would need
two weeks
$371

two weeks in maine
$800

ten days $700

you know the grill

the day is almost over.
it's been a difficult one.
my fool hurts, sometimes fiercely
i have not accomplished very much
there was some relief in the mail
food was decent
i slept a lot
it will probably be completely different
tomorrow.  i may wake up in an
alternative universe.
i hope so.

pro/vocatifs

an appertif

upper berth

happy teeth


only an hour to go until lunch


avoiding hunger
serious hunger
requires serious
strategies


psalms, proverbs, samuel
romans, luke
acna readings for today


am I N pain


bluebonnet school had a carnival every year. it was a wonderful occasion. our parents worked very hard putting it together.  the money raised went to the PTA.  it was a lot of fun.


there was a jeweler downtown, goldstein's, i think it was, that seemed like it was always having a going out of business sale.  i think that maybe they eventually actually did.


lunch was god today, a chile cheese burger, and sweet potato fries

the good shot

secretary tom price makes me thing of father pool
an unlikely yoking

mass ave
cambridge mass

black crown
crack down

"in the heat of the moment"
by the seat of my pants

bicycle spokesperson

almost ate

good breakfast
sausage biscuits and gravy
fried eggs

expensive
expansive

still having a rough time
coming around
not that easy

no one to talk to
dudley seems
awfully quiet

good morning

other boys
lover boys

i guarantee ya
my mantilla

strange dreams.  lord strange.  paperwork related to burial of mother dad and glenn.  smaller pieces of paper to be attached to the left toe.  conference meeting in westcliff.  glenn had been there.  program. thrift shop.  enormous overcoat.  enormous mouse..woke up feeling groggy and drugged.  almost time for breakfasr.

hunger

it's almost midnight.  i'm a little bit hungry.  there's nothing to eat in here but a couple of sandwiches i really don't want to get into.  it's too late to go to the dining room to scrounge around.  i will just have to wait until morning.  won't be long.  breakfast about 7:30.  coffee around four or four-thirty.  up here.  i'll try and get to the grocery store tomorrow.  can't spend much.  i am saving up for a trip to maine.  just remembered the old stamp club at mclean.  we used to meet at the uhrmacher's house on westcliff road south.  bettie was in my class, and her older brother carl taught me a little about algebra on the bluebonnet school yard even earlier.  mr. uhrmacher had an impressive stamp collection.  at least, that is how i remember it.  

cottage bread

does anyone else remember cottage bread?  it was a big round loaf with a thick brown crust, white bread dusted with flour.  mother used to buy it at helpie-selfie, a grocery store in the early 50's on berry street about where king's liquors is today.  the produce manager was a man named ernie who later opened a malt shop in the westcliff shopping center to cater to the mclean junior high crowd.  i think there was also a blalckburn's grocery on the other side of the street.  i can remember peaches and other fruit in purple tissue wrappers.  could never forget mr. mehl and mehl's shoe store on berry and the book department at cox's department store.  one day mrs. wiggins (louise), the principal of bluebonnet elementary called me out of class to go with her to cox's to pick out a book for the library. i chose "who's who in oz" a reference book.  i remember certain books from that library, one about a bunch of kids who lived in an abandoned railroad car on the edge of  town, and one about a flying dragon that liked and ate skunk cabbages, whatever those were.  then there was the berry street walker, a whole other subject.  not too many years ago i wrote a poem entitled ":bury me on berry street".  it's largely changed now. my brother pat and i used to deliver the southside sun to  businesses up and down on berry.  mr. john langley was our circulation manager.  he was also my accordion teacher.  you could go to the tcu theater for nine cents at one time, or a quarter for the kids show on saturday morning.  record town was already there on university and you could go in and try out an album in the listening booths before you bought it.  life was good in tcu in the early days.  not only was there already a 7-11 there, but there was one on the circle also.  now they are talking about redoing bluebonnet circle.   i hope theydon't ruin it.  in recent years i hung out at the donut shop there waiting to go to service at trinity episcopal where i would meet mother.  i grew up going to matthew's memorial methodist church (now university united) also on berry.  paschal high is just around the corner, but i can remember when that was the old mclean.  the new paschal is built around the old mclean.   and bluebonnet is no longer an elementary school; it's the mclean sixth grade.  i would catch the bus up there when mother and i lived on dryden road just a few years ago.  now mother is gone and i live at the grove home on east lancaster.  it's nice here, buti still miss the old southside.  i was born living on hemphill, and hasn't that changed.  enough with nostalgia.  good evening.

bored intellectuals

smoking too much
too much money
have rejected traditional moral values
and conventional theology
have nothing to offer in exchange
utterly boring
utterly bored

today's food

somewhat inadequate even for a person of moderate girth.  an egg and cheese sandwich for breakfast.  a modest plate of food for lunch...no dessert.  sandwich and chips for dinner, all within an 8 hour span.  i have been told (i was absent due to a dental procedure) that we were told that  some continued snacking was ok, but no significant snack foods have been stocked in the two days since.  we know we are not allowed  in the dining room before 7am, but at what hour is it too late to put in an appearance, even if only for ice or to use the microwave?  nebulous communications.  passage from one wing to the other means passing through the dining room, especially during inclement weather.  i have suggested repeatedly a bulletin board for updates.  no significant action.

smoking

i wish i had a cigar, even though i do not smoke at  all any more.  i could get one at the little store next door, but i would be accosted if i stepped on that part of the street.  we are very  limited in what we can do safely around here.  i feel lucky i can get on the bus or to the grocery store.  i'm not blaming anyone in particular.  it's just the way things are.

the weather

"i think it's a little bit cold in here, don't you?" said alexander calder to his friend robert motherwell, who loved his mother so well, that he quickly agreed.

the forever endeavor

a new boy band, or girl band for that matter...the sugar shakers

somebody's been emptying the sugar shakers here in the dining room.  i mean, draining them empty.  i can hardly imagine what for.  i heard they were making jugs of sweet tea, but where then did they get the tea?  i like sweet tea with residual sugar, but not enough to do all of that. i had some friends that carried there own sugar shaker into nice restaurants where even if the tea was supercharged with extra sugar, they still had to add more. that same couple used to empty the free newspaper bins for newsprint to line their numerous bird cages.  they did not think much about it, but i think that is why the newspaper vendor put up a sign that said, "one to a customer".

the adolphus hilton

i heard that at one time hilton considered acquiring the adolphus hotel in downtown dallas, but they weren't at all certain that because of the second world war anyone would want to stay at the adolphus hilton.  stadler perhaps, but not adolphus.  personally i always wanted to stay at the paris hilton or the anatole france.  i have heard that the adolphus used to serve a fine high tea.  maybe grandmother took me there one time.  i told her we would go dancing at the adolphus in the year 2000.  she died in 1981, but i did take a beautiful young woman dancing at the adolphus one evening when i was about twenty years old.  it was fun.  an older couple admired us because we were so young and fresh.  we were probably not old enough to drink in public at the time, but perhaps we did.  i loved that girl, but it did not work out.  i don't think i was aggressive enough...in the social sense.  and look how i turned out.  i've never made any real money, but i am a happy writer.  i still might strike it rich.  i know she did. my grandfather's brother, my great uncle bob, whom i never knew used to stay at the adolphus sometimes.  at least that's what grandmother told me.  he was a successful wildcatter, in east texas i would imagine...a millionaire, maybe on more than one occasion.   i used to play tennis with one or two of his grandsons, but have had no contact for many years.  i sent one some  photos of his uncle frank and aunt virginia, but never got a response.  life in highland park, texas, is different.  i know, my mother grew up there, and that's where i started public school.

medical funding

more personal private charity may be required.  most of  us are seriously self-indulgent.  i don't get much money, but i give away about 15%.  i know people, or used to, who gave 20.  we could almost all afford to give more if we trimmed our habits.  rent, food, medical care, transportation, necessaries...these are what is essential.  if you're not retired yet, savings may be an important factor.  i can't really tell anyone else what to do, but i rely largely on the Lord.  He's taken pretty good care of me...and continues to do so, but i can't speak for humanity. i look forward to life in heaven.  for the rest i tend to accept the inevitable. i have recently bought a fairly expensive painting.  it has become my favorite personal possession, but i'm not worshiping it.  it  brightens my days, but nothing can ever replace or displace the Lord.  i am saving for a maine vacation, but that is probably a year away.  i enjoy my little room, the food provided and my substantial health care.  i ride the bus, a rough bus, but find it rewarding.  i am glad to be blogging again.  that may hold up better than my manual journals.  

good morning

fell asleep about 1:20am.  listening to christian music on youtube. letting it stream.   it permeated my dreams.  fairly romantic.  woke up almost from a trance at 3am.  put on christian videos on the tv.  went back to sleep about 4.  slept until 6.  got up. had coffee.  went to the dining room at 7. made fresh coffee.  rudy the chef came in shortly.  fixed breakfast sandwiches.  visited with various parties.  including director wayne. back in my room now. had watched a little fox in the dining room.  no particular plans.  nothing definite for a whole month.  wish  i had the money.  i would go to maine for a week or ten days.  but i have to finish paying for my new painting.  will go to maine next year.

speaking of watching fox.  i was watching real fed fox on old vhs tapes from maine.  very entertaining.  the fox and the elk.  about the news...i just wish someone would tell us what medicaid is actually costing per annum today.  give us some straight figures about the current costs and how much of that money we are having to borrow, and what are the real potential consequences.  i am for balancing the budget, but if we have to raise txaes in order to be reasonably humane, i could conceivably support that.

my great grandmother

daisy ward latimer, from the panhandle of texas, married to george latimer.
captured from old 8mm footage transferred to dvd
stopped to a still and then photographed by
windows 10

at bedtime

but it was not for lack o' daisy, cal,
that i proceeded to the task
of freeing mankind from his follies
so much of them unnecessary if
we but give consideration
to the facts of life and death

most human striving is but folly,
a vain struggle with the winds of
change and pure impermanence
that leaves but little trace behind

give regard to the old preacher
solomon of ecclesiastes to
muster up the wisdom needed
to pull free from useless combat
with the forces of disappearing
delusion which must nescesaralee
follow all our futile days.

do good, be true, without despairing
in all our efforts.  temper ambition
even accept defeat...in the ultimate and
final sense, but still do good for
lack of better occupation.  the
ends of life are hard to see and
harder still to bear at times.

we have the hope of a better life
if we are believers faithful.
otherwise what is the point of
so much suffering and pain?
trust God, the Bible and the Church
and you will find some truth in search-
ing out the kernels of good teaching.
the path is long without recension
we may not pass this way again
so let us end with a sincere and
ultimate at last Aminh.

various and from notes

an old fly,
a tired fly,
lands on the lip
of my cup. i
try to brush
him away.  he
hardly stirs and then
he flies away

thumbalina
jumbalaya
jumbled laya

i used the wrong term
to refer to
our ex-president.  i
forget right now what
i actually said.  i
should have  said
"atheistical", oh
he may believe in a god but
it is certainly not the
God of the Bible

saw a man on the bus with a 40" tv in a box
might have just got it out of pawn.
mine's much smaller but it came with a
working VHS recorder
i found it out by the curb

those are pearls that were his eyes
pearl vision
gurl w/a purl

chef porn
masque or bake

she cargo

riding the "spur" bus on the
spur of the moment...the
gleam in your eye

elsie the elf
elf diners in san francisco
to which faeries were invited

the elf on the shelf

the berkeley poet who wrote
a poem for me, sug/gesting that
i was under some kind  of enchantment

unless someone came dressed in
elf clothes down to his very toes

no more of that
no more of taos or santa fe
no more san francisco or berkeley
no more of provincetown or even houston
the essential place is everywhere
everywhere for the tourista

sammerkand
summer kind

jam ma'am

ph factor
ph d

lost in tanglewood
bourbon suburban

complaint turned into compliment
compliant bending easy to train

no better'n he oughta be

mazaratti
nazarene

the luck sure ye inne

the things we used to dream about
to scream about
have all but disappeared

we are old now
very old
and getting ready to
kick the can
on down the road

arrows
eros

cupidity

disarmament
my dharma heir

news pfeiffer

dental
mental

penny houren

the last smile

memory

when i was a kid, in the afternoon when it was time, dad would call from his office downtown, and my mother would drive our one car with me and my brothers several miles to go pick him up.  if he was not already standing out in front of his building, mother would circle the block a few times; and if he still did not come down, she would send one of us up in the elevator to get him.  that probably irritated him somewhat, but that'is how it was...suburban existence in fort worth, texas in the early 1950's.

good morning

a night of continuous streaming

difficult dreams
woke up early
time for coffee
and for praying

woke up singing cher
if i could turn back time
my foot feels pretty good
itch level moderate

almost a full pot
alexander philpot

tainted love
painted love

love the jack
jack fm

rain
urainia
urantia
your ranch

dream of james moore

terrible dream.  trying to escape in a landscape of junkyards.  criminals crawling over and through mountains of junk.  james and i run into larry m. at a book shop on vickery.  am accused pf stealing/ something in my shirt pocket.  have to pull out my credentials.  women and children dropping out of the ceilings.  houston cityscape. sign for some one named margot.  another man is pursuing me.  it seems hopeless.  propose to mother.  another apartment.  she is being kicked out of hers for renovations.

notice

i put some anti-itch cream on m wounds.  i eat the rest of the peanut butter and jelly.  i ate a whole jar today.  i dirnk some cold water.  i turn on the tv.  i play a tape of christian videos from daystar.  it is after midnight.   ihave to go to the bank in the morning.  the videos are nature scapes with soft music and bible verses overlaid.  i need to read my bible.  i am a little behind.  i have almost finished psalms for the month.  i am also about to finish job, always a task...but rewarding.  and i need to get on with proverbs.  in thenew testament i am reading in luke, and in the apocrypha in the wisdom of soloman. not ecclesiasticus of sirach, but the book of wisdom.

dream.at night, early this morning.

our church group is leaving (mother's and mine) on an excursion. i hurry around to the front of the building where the church is, avoiding the priest, looking for something.  there is a meal going on in the church hall.  there is wine.  there is a young woman i know eating her meal.  then i am riding on a bicycle with my friend gary.  it is a bicycle i have put together from parts.  it comes apart.  gary thinks he can fix it.   i sign it over to him...on the body somewhere.  there was more, but i cannot remember.  i go to the bank.  i receive notice of an overwithdrawal.  the nursing home has come and taken their payment back because i did not have a registered "estate" account for mother.  i will need a lawyer.  i think i have enough cash to cover it, but i won't have enough to live on this month.

photo

a cute aigue

we don't hear very much about jerry garcia anymore.  the sudden death in his mid fifties in the mid-nineties of the pop star guru capped decades of struggle with alcohol and mind blowing drugs that were also filled with  a sweet and gentle, lyrical voice that offered us many memorable songs and set an example of experimental living that epitomized the hippie ethos.

as i lay on my bed after a peanut butter and jelly supper in the long and lingering Texas afternoon, I  found myself, not especially unusually, humming and singing Jerry's song "ripple", mixed with others, which was a kind of national anthem for a spirited lifestyle that now has all but disappeared.  "ripple in clear water/ where there is no pebble  tossed/ nor wind to blow"  "reach out your hand, if your cup be empty...there is a fountain not made by the hands of men".  the refrain was a  simple Zen  lesson and sentiment that showed the profound influenza of west coast mysticism.  it was a lovely tune and time.  it occurred in the summer of some of our days.  while hardly an orthodox Christian believer, Jerry echoes an almost conventional hope that, accompanied by a profound love for life and humanity, could give some peace to us all...if we would just listen.  check out"american beauty" if you haven't in a while.  it's available on youtube.  it will do your heart good.

a cute angle

it's a cute angle
an acute angel
ana queue(t) ain gel
in the ain soph

san sophia
hearts on fire
sophie's dire
wisdom's all

desire that fans us
the ultimate detritus
left over in shadows
seemingly shallows

i offer my purpose for
you to propose
penultimate sup/hose
but only for those whose

lives are in bondage
to finality's close

new effort

i have been discarding my daily notes for some time now.  had been unable to  share much that was relevant.  think it is time to  try again.  here's from this morning.  often i take notes on the  bus, but these occurred during meditations and elsewhere.  i once asked a meditation master if i was allowed to take notes on my thoughts, he responded, emphatically not.

for me there is,
no abidin'
joe biden

that's just how i feel about it

as for the projected 26 million uninsured,
how many of those are the current
forcibly insured, required by law to take the
program? that will not sign up if it is free and
voluntary not to do so.  there are a number of people who
do not use doctors at all.  that should be their free choice.
obama was a socialist tyrant, determined to remake
america in his own highly controversial image

as far as the travel ban is concerned,
those just happen to be muslim majority countries.
what they are in fact are are countries that have
seriously questionable governments incapable or
unwilling to comply with our necessary vetting processes

discussing disgusting snacking policy in the retirement center
where i live.  there has yet to be a responsible exchange or
evidence of a reasonable policy.  i'm adopting a
wait and see stance.  in the meantime i've gone to the
grocery store.  i am not prepared to go repeatedly
and unnecessarily hungry in the middle of the night

early coffee was a tradition here long before i arrived

jenner ally

i was once refused service in a restaurant in jenner'by-the-sea north of san francisco because of my long hair.  it was not the first time.  personally i like general lee.  think he was a great man. believed in self-determination for the southern states.  so do i.  perpetual forced slavery was immoral.  of course, but there were other issues and other approaches that could have been considered.  slavery has existed since the beginnings of history, still exists in some places, and in some cases was essentially voluntary. it was Not invented by caucasians.  jewish slaves were to have been freed by their jewish masters every seven years, according to the bible.  voluntary servitude was and is a form  of voluntary slavery.  perhaps we should tone the rhetoric down a little and just say servitude or"servant".  we are all called to a servant mentality according to scripture.  and to cooperate with the governing authorities in so far as we are able to do so in good conscience.

beyond beyoncee

raise the rent,
raise the roof

more later

   .

in honor of lenore

tonight i am listening to the verdi requiem, broadcast by the new york philharmonic, in honor of lenore mcinerney who passed away in concord,california, in may of this year.  lenore was one of the great beauties of the age, very spectacular, and very brilliant.  we met in 1967.  

good morning

it's 6:30

i've been up since 1:30

good coffee

good talk

tired now

rain may be on the way

gonna catch a little shut-eye

just an hour

headed downtown if i possibly can

almost nothing

for years i lived on almost nothing

welcome to Almost Nothing, my leased resort

we hope you will find solace here

there is nothing left to really fear

Kelly Fearing, Kenneth too

should I perhaps have fear of You?